Notes/Disclaimers:
In this article, I’m talking about just a handful of people who I only knew for a few short weeks; I’m not referring to any longer relationships.
Even though these were short experiences, I’m thankful to have met these guys and value my time with them. I don’t believe in trying to use people as just another travel activity. Or rather, I believe you can enjoy short times with people you will never see again and at the same time hold them with respect, knowing they are real people with full lives and people who love them. That is what I try to do.
I do indeed consider safety and wisdom in these situations! This would be another topic and maybe another post, but just in case you read this and worry about my safety, just know that, no, I don’t throw caution to the wind.
With those things out of the way…
~
Last night, I watched a movie that came out last year on Netflix called, “A Tourist’s Guide to Love.” It caught my attention not only because of the title (anything travel-related and I do a double-take) but also because it is set in Vietnam. This got me excited because:
1. Wow, an American romance movie set in Vietnam.
2. I’ve been to Vietnam!
I curled up on my bed with a blanket, chocolate, and Sleepytime tea, and hit play.
It did not take long for the emotions to start bubbling up.
For some reason, ever since I started traveling seriously, I can’t watch travel romance movies in the same way. They bring up emotions of annoyance and even anger.
Quick disclaimer: I don’t mean to bash this movie. It was nice. Think if Hallmark made a travel movie. Cheesy but cute.
Messages of romantic fling movies
There are a couple of ideas that poke their heads up in romantic fling movies. We might not want to admit that we buy into them. But the comments I’ve received since traveling make me think that they really are pervasive ideas in our culture.
You are most alive, and living a really worthwhile, exciting or beautiful life if you have short, thrilling romances, or other types of intense and interesting experiences.
These experiences are not available to the average person.
In the past few years, I have had several little whirlwind romances that felt like movies, some of them in the U.S., and some of them outside the U.S. (travel romances). Each time, I met the guy in a cute, unique way, we hit it off immediately, spent lots of time together over a short period, and had to part ways due to some outside circumstance, like one of us leaving the country.
My mini romances were full of chemistry, ice cream, glasses of wine, secret waterfalls, fun parties followed by long talks overlooking gorgeous views, and sweet, sad goodbyes.
Living these stories, I realized two things, which is why the ideas above bother me. First, real life is better than the movies. Second, the movies over-value these experiences.
Let me explain.
Travel romances are better in real life
In real life, you are the one living the story. As lovely as it might be to watch a movie about someone else, nothing compares to being the main character in your own story. What may be a silly or unimportant detail to someone else is a moment you get to experience. You get to take action, you get to decide what happens next.
Now, I actually get bored watching romantic fling movies, because I’m thinking, “my story was way more interesting and fun than this!”
(As a quick side note, while this type of thing might not be interesting to you, you might still be saying, “Wow Rachel, how nice for you that you get to live a ‘movie-like life.’ Things like that don’t happen to everyone.” If this is your thought, let’s have a conversation! You have a lot of agency in what happens in your life.)
Another thing worth noting is that real people are more interesting than people in movies. Not discounting the truly great script writers out there, real people say things and do things that are more hilarious, more ridiculous, more memorable, and more unexpected than in movies.
“Truth is stranger than fiction” is absolutely true. Especially during international travel, things happen that you just can’t make up. It’s the million memorable moments that a movie has to try to condense into something that tells a coherent story. In life, they just happen at random and they are better.
Travel romances are over-valued
In a romance movie, when the fling ends, the movie ends. The part of the story worth telling has been told.
But in real life, your story keeps going.
I understand that the point of a movie is to tell just one story, but sometimes movies communicate that the only parts of life that matter are the really big, really perfect moments.
My story is still important when I arrive at the airport alone, and wait in line. It’s still important when I check my email, when I do the dishes, when I apply for a job. When I meet an elderly grocery store worker named Juan, have a two minute small-talk conversation with him, and never see him again.
As someone who has lived travel romances, I can say that they are wonderful, but they are not the end-all. Life is so much more, and can be savored beyond the highlight reel.
Another factor is that my personal desire is to get married and settle down. So at least for me, there is also a twinge of emptiness in travel romances that gets old. Don’t get me wrong, I learned a lot about myself from them and made memories to enjoy and fun stories I will tell for years.
But ultimately, I would prefer to settle down with one man and live a story that doesn’t end with a goodbye. Bittersweet goodbyes are overrated. Sometimes the best stories are the ones that aren’t screen-worthy.
Your life is better than a movie
I love shows and movies.
But let’s not use them as a way to escape our real lives and live vicariously through others rather than facing our reality. If our life is unsatisfying, avoiding it while glued to a screen is not the way to go. We need to identify what it is that we feel we’re missing, and seriously explore what we might need to do about that.
I am a firm believer that, even though life can present real limitations, there is actually a lot in our power and a lot that we can do to live in a way that feels beautiful, purposeful, and fulfilling.
As Mary Oliver says, “Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?”